Friday, July 21, 2017

Things You Say to Yourself in a Bikram Yoga Class

Although I've never experienced such a situation in real life, I imagine my relationship with Bikram Yoga is much like one's relationship with a relative they can't stand... try as you might to get away, they're generally always there. And while we prize the mind for its lucid ability to process complex ideas and concepts, it's usually my body which gently prods me towards a yoga class while my mind kicks and screams like a two-year-old. Hence, there are a lot of thoughts that run through my mind during a typical morning's worth of yoga which I figured I'd lay bare here.

(Note: Since there is my own internal dialogue during a yoga class, the dialogue of the yoga instructor and the events and postures occurring around us, I placed actions in [brackets], instructions of the teacher in italics and my own thoughts in a regular font).

[Enter room]

Ok, it seems quiet. This is nice. Phewwwwwww.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert yes stephen colbert sigh late show GIF

[Teacher walks in.]

Ok, good morning. Let's start class with a deep breathing exercise. Take a deep breath in and deep breath out. 

Jesus, why did I come here? Why did I come here... I'm missing out on cuddle time with my man. 

Lift your arms over your head and breathe out...

Ok, I'm here, I'm here. Let's do this.




Standing head to knee pose!

*&%$#@^%$#@&^! I hate this pose. Ugh, that guy behind me is doing it so much better. He's cute though. Ha, he fell out of the pose, what a sucker. I'm such a baller. 

 dance family kris keeping up with the kardashians kris jenner GIF

Bow pose!

Ugh, I hate this pose. Actually, it's not that bad. Wait, am I actually getting good at this...

 wow beautiful shocked shock lovely GIF

[Next few postures go by at light speed].

Whew. Savasana. 




Wow, my mind is really beginning to relax. Wait, why am I thinking of those times I was bullied long ago? Oh @&$*, old memories, old memories, old memories...

 the office hiding hide GIF

Ok, back to yoga poses. $%^#, that was the most stressful part of class.



Full locust pose!

&^%^, I hate this pose. Gotta rally, gotta rally...

Elissa, try lifting your head a bit higher. Higher...

Is this *^&%$ talking to me!? I've made it seventy-five minutes through the class and this joker wants extra effort!? Why I oughta...

 movie film goodfellas robert de niro 1990 GIF

Ok. Ok. Class is almost over. I can do this. I can do this.



Ugh. One more posture. Just get me out of this hot room. GET ME OUT OF THIS HOT ROOM.

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[Final savasana]

Ugh. I am so relaxed. Going to class was the best decision of my life. 

 cute dog puppy sleeping passed out GIF

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